Was just watching an ongoing sports tournament of a famous sports worldwide and found another fine example of the fact that the company in which work is run by bunch of brainless morons. My company is one of the sponsors for the last time champion team of the tournament, the players are sporting logo on their shirt and helmet. This would have been wonderful if my company sold products or provide services so that individual psychology matters and like when you go out buy a toothpaste, you remember some brand name because you saw it on your favorite sports person's shirt but my company provides services for big businesses. In the time of recession, where they are laying off (well, they are so called ethical people so they can't lay off, so kicking out people using all kinds of lame excuses) people, reducing salaries but wasting money on one of the most ineffective marketing strategies for the kind of business my company is in. I mean if my company sponsors some team or some event it should be technology or consulting competitions and events. That's where, CEOs or senior managers of the prospective customer businesses might notice the enthusiasm of the company or its willingness to learn new technology or to get into consulting space and demonstrate abilities in the same. Anyways, can't complain much, because this might not be as costly decision as some other decisions these brainless morons have taken in last one and half years.

I have final exam tomorrow, for the subject I started studying only today and here I am doing as much timepass as I can. Well! what should I say about myself. I am caught in two minds. At one end I am thinking that anyways I don't want to continue so why am I bothering, just enjoy as much as possible; don't think about studying and all. At the other end, I am still pretty much hoping that things will work out. The situation is quite silly since I am neither able to enjoy nor able to study. Indecision is definitely the biggest immobilizer for a man. One should take decisions, it doesn't matter, everyone makes mistakes and that's how you learn. I can preach all of this, but finding it difficult to follow. Probably these four months were biggest waste of my life, so be it or I should do something and make them count. There is no use just brooding over it. I also know that things never work out just by hoping they will, you have to make them work out; you have to stand up and take some action towards it. I am not taking any action. May be I should do something about it, well at this moment I am writing about it, may be this is the first step or may be my inertia of inaction will continue, who knows?

I want to walk a different path. I don’t know what that path is, I don’t even know where I will find that path. I don’t even know what the destination is. Once I know the destination I might find the path. My opinions and belief are so different from most people in this world that all the paths that are currently visible to me, promise only unfulfilling journey or rather journey that will suck life out of me before I reach the destination. I have faith in myself but I am so lost that the faith itself seems to be hanging. I wish I had faith in god or divine or something that would have made things so much easier. May be I am trying too hard, may be I should stop trying. May be like, ‘Govinda’ in Herman Hesse’s “Siddharta”, I am also obsessed with seeking and this has closed doors for things that will present me what I seek. What should I stop trying, I don’t even know, what I am doing. It seems more like random things that I am trying to put together hoping that somehow it will make sense.

(hmm... I have been writing, but don't feel like publishing. I have one big post on politics but still mulling where I should post it.)