It is not a very common phenomena to wake up in the morning with the feelings that "I must fail tomorrow's exam". But it happened to me day before yesterday. As if to realize this feeling I could not give answers to many questions that I knew in yesterday's exam. What was even weird was this will probably the first time that I will be failing an exam and I did not have any bad feeling about it. However, almost in comical turn of events, I have not yet failed, but I have been given a chance, where I need to put in some work and I can save myself from failing. Some wise people say that most people quit just before their goal is about to realize, but how do I know whether it is about to realize or it is right time to quit. If you don't quit, finally you will achieve the goal but at what cost? Will it really be worth it?
I don't know what kind of answers am I searching for, but I am searching that's for sure.

I was one of those lucky students in the childhood whose school was just five minutes walk from the house. I went today to a xerox shop in front of my school for copying some documents and after a long long long time, I was looking at my school with lot of time in my hand. After leaving the school, I must have passed my school thousand times, but somehow I don't think I waited and looked at it for some time. It almost the same as it was when I was studying there; at least from the outside. Except on the front sign showing my school's name, there is this funny text added that says, "ISO 9001-2000 certified"; couldn't help a chuckle. My beloved school has also fallen victim to trend of getting into standards unnecessarily. Well, let it be that is the most unimportant part. The building was never the part I was very attached to, although I do remember those classrooms and corridors. Whenever the school comes into my mind, I remember two things; one, my wonderful teachers and second, those carefree days. I wish I can be so carefree today. Adult life somehow doesn't make sense at all. Few months ago, I had this great urge to visit the school and meet my teachers, incidentally one of my classmates and long times friends happened to visit the school that time and informed me that hardly any teachers from our times are left in the school. Although that was expected ( I myself is 29 now), I felt sad and dropped the plan to visit the school. Many time when I am here and roaming around my place I will come across some of my teachers (especially my favorite ones like Chandane bai, Pawar bai, Afle bai,), but that hasn't happened. My school wasn't one of those hi-fi schools. It was simple school with limited facilities, but it was my world in my childhood and along with my home, that is the place which shaped the most important part of me.
Well, I just thank all my wonderful teachers. Wish they are having a great life and thank them again on behalf of all their students whose paths have been brightened by them.

sometimes, they say you need to compromize;

sometimes, they say you need to lie down;

sometimes, they say you need to let go;

sometimes, they say you need to accept the orders;

sometimes, they say you need to accept the world as it is;

sometimes, they say you need to forget what you like;

almost always, they say you need to be different than what you are

and yet...

sometimes, you just need to be you, gather the courage and fight the world

yet another day when I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like writing and that too on paper using pencil or rather I am feeling more like drawing something using pencil and paper. So, what can be done?

Likhne ko to bahut ji chahta hai,
magar likhne ke liye kuchh sujhta nahi hai,
likhe to likhe kya,
vahi do-char vishay rah gaye hai,
kabhi karyalay ki murkhta pe likhte hai,
kabhi likhte hai khudki jindagi pe,
kabhi likh dete hai is jahan ki buraion pe,
nahi vo bhi sujha to likhe dete hai pyar pe,
kya jindgai yahi reh gayi hai,
kya inhi chakkaro me vo khatam ho jayegi,
kya kabhi vo nayi subah hogi,
jab hum khoye rahenge apni hi dhun me,
har ek pal ka maja le rahe honge,
na sar pe mandara rahi hogi koi chinta,
na bachegi kisi ko kuchh sabit karne ki aavshyakta,
na hogi kabhi kami jindagi jine ke liye,
pyar hi pyar hoga is jaha me,
ulajh rahe hai hum is khwab me is tarah,
ki hakikat me dur ja rahe khwab se,
ye likhte likhte hum kaha pahuch gaye hai,
kyon khudsehi hum khafa ho rahe hai,
likhne ka to bahut ji chahta hai,
magar likhne ke liye kuchh sujhta nahi hai.

First impressions

One often reads that “first impression is the last impression.” However I have learnt through my experience that first impression probabilistically is the most deceptive impression. I also think that I probably know the reason why it is so. I think it is because in today’s world (probably as long as human kind has existed) most people pretend to be someone else or trying to follow some rules set by some religious or philosophical gurus or some babas/matas or some religious scriptures or some self-improvement stuff. Most people go by these rules rather than the intent behind them. Throw them in difficult situations or situations where they have to hurriedly interact (without having chance to remember and follow the rules) and their real personality starts coming out. When you really want to change for better understanding the intent rather than following some rules, your actions come from your sub-conscious, very naturally, you don’t have to remember to behave or act in certain way. Of course, there are many self-improvement gurus who say that of you follow something with enough regularity and make it a habit, it starts coming out naturally after some time, just like riding a bicycle, once you learn it, you can do it any time again. It is hard to argue against these statements, but there will always be some difference. It is like no matter how many languages you become expert of but in some sudden event first words that come out of your mouth will be of the first language that you acquired as a child. Of course, this was all about the people who are unintentionally pretending to be someone else; I don’t think I need to write about people who pretend purposefully to get some thing out of you.
And, last but not the least; you never know under what conditions a person is behaving in a certain way. I am not saying you should totally ignore somebody’s bad behavior but you can definitely decide to give the person a reasonable chance (I am not talking about crimes, that’s a totally different discussion. Here I am talking only about the day-to-day behaviors). Only when you give another chance and interact more with a person, you start understanding the real personality of the person. When we act in a particular situation or dialog, there are so many different things going in our mind and each of those things affect the way we act. And, then there always our biases that make us interpret a certain behavior in a favorable or unfavorable way. I am sure, you must have met with at least some people, who look extremely repulsive in the first impression but as you start knowing them more and more, you like them and sometimes they even become your best friends.

Was just watching an ongoing sports tournament of a famous sports worldwide and found another fine example of the fact that the company in which work is run by bunch of brainless morons. My company is one of the sponsors for the last time champion team of the tournament, the players are sporting logo on their shirt and helmet. This would have been wonderful if my company sold products or provide services so that individual psychology matters and like when you go out buy a toothpaste, you remember some brand name because you saw it on your favorite sports person's shirt but my company provides services for big businesses. In the time of recession, where they are laying off (well, they are so called ethical people so they can't lay off, so kicking out people using all kinds of lame excuses) people, reducing salaries but wasting money on one of the most ineffective marketing strategies for the kind of business my company is in. I mean if my company sponsors some team or some event it should be technology or consulting competitions and events. That's where, CEOs or senior managers of the prospective customer businesses might notice the enthusiasm of the company or its willingness to learn new technology or to get into consulting space and demonstrate abilities in the same. Anyways, can't complain much, because this might not be as costly decision as some other decisions these brainless morons have taken in last one and half years.

I have final exam tomorrow, for the subject I started studying only today and here I am doing as much timepass as I can. Well! what should I say about myself. I am caught in two minds. At one end I am thinking that anyways I don't want to continue so why am I bothering, just enjoy as much as possible; don't think about studying and all. At the other end, I am still pretty much hoping that things will work out. The situation is quite silly since I am neither able to enjoy nor able to study. Indecision is definitely the biggest immobilizer for a man. One should take decisions, it doesn't matter, everyone makes mistakes and that's how you learn. I can preach all of this, but finding it difficult to follow. Probably these four months were biggest waste of my life, so be it or I should do something and make them count. There is no use just brooding over it. I also know that things never work out just by hoping they will, you have to make them work out; you have to stand up and take some action towards it. I am not taking any action. May be I should do something about it, well at this moment I am writing about it, may be this is the first step or may be my inertia of inaction will continue, who knows?

I want to walk a different path. I don’t know what that path is, I don’t even know where I will find that path. I don’t even know what the destination is. Once I know the destination I might find the path. My opinions and belief are so different from most people in this world that all the paths that are currently visible to me, promise only unfulfilling journey or rather journey that will suck life out of me before I reach the destination. I have faith in myself but I am so lost that the faith itself seems to be hanging. I wish I had faith in god or divine or something that would have made things so much easier. May be I am trying too hard, may be I should stop trying. May be like, ‘Govinda’ in Herman Hesse’s “Siddharta”, I am also obsessed with seeking and this has closed doors for things that will present me what I seek. What should I stop trying, I don’t even know, what I am doing. It seems more like random things that I am trying to put together hoping that somehow it will make sense.

(hmm... I have been writing, but don't feel like publishing. I have one big post on politics but still mulling where I should post it.)

It is amazing, I have so much work, so many things to do, and quite a lot of it is what I would like to do on my own, and yet all I can think of doing right now is to avoid everything and just go and hide somewhere for two-three weeks. I don’t know whether those two-three weeks will be enough. I don’t want to do anything for these two-three weeks, just laze around. May be I will do something if I really feel like doing something. I don’t know why I am feeling like this but the feeling is very strong. I have been planning to do lot of things today, but all I did was just nothing. Well, I did some bank work, but apart from that, nothing. I opened my laptop several time to study and write two documents I am supposed to write, but all I did was played stupid card games, connect to intent and keep reading webcomics. And, I always keep finding really interesting and good webcomics.

Hardwork kills....

Hardwork here is refered to doing only one kind of work/thing for long time, typically more than 10-12 hours in a day.

(Knowing that one of my office colleagues checks my blog once in a while, it may not be a good idea to post this. I can not say this post is entirely my idea, I think somewhere it is inspired from an essay written by Bertrand Russell which I read about 2-3 years back. I don’t even remember name of that essay. This post goes in bit different direction than Bertrand Russell’s writing. )

One bad thing happened to me in last few years is that I have stopped believing in hard work or rather. I am yet to see a person who works 14-16 hours a day and is truly happy. As the Indian proverb goes one must visit physical, mental, emotional and spiritual side once everyday. Working so much almost always screws up some other dimension of life. Yes, you can work for 14-16 hours on something that you really enjoy but can you be really happy if you are failing in some other dimension of life. I have seen so many times that people who have gone ahead working so hard, do repent on something or don’t have good relationship with their spouse or some other reason. If at the end of the day, when you are dying if you think, I wish I would have taken time out to do so and so thing, does it really matter whether outside world considers you one of the most successful people in the world? Sometimes the very fact that you are supposed to be happy by doing lot of hardwork and being successful by some outside world criteria  but you are not makes you do stupid things. All these so called hardworking people buy lot of totally unnecessary things to show off or rather to prove to themselves that they are happy and successful. Or they derive this illusory happiness by buying more things than someone of their same age or same field or position or something. Material happiness is the only thing that can be tangibly seen or shown so most of them run behind it. Of course almost all corporate support this hardwork theory because that is the way they can get more from you with the same money. They don’t really care about people, all they care about is resource utilization, after all for most of the companies people are just a resource and resource means cost. So you are a cost for them, unlike some machines used for long term or typically land is considered as asset, you don’t have the fortune to be called as asset. They want high resource utilization. And, no I am not a communist, I believe, communism is as much bullshit as capitalism. Just think, there is so much overproduction in the world, not just in terms of physical products but also in terms of services. Almost everywhere or sometimes the whole countries are going bankrupt because they can not sell their products or services. Even if we just go ahead and reduce working hours to half of the current for all the companies in the world, the world will lose absolutely nothing. Although just as every industrialist becoming a billionaire is creating few thousand or more jobs, almost each one of them is indirectly causing almost same or more number of people in the same or different country to not meet their basic needs. Being a human being I feel extremely sad for this. The business has somehow become strictly negative sum game, where there are too may losers per winner and even for those winner companies normally except for promoters and top management executives, most employees are losers. Efficiencies, cost cutting and automation have become synonymous with having hanging swords over employee’s head.

And, by the way, I am yet to meet anyone who can do quality work for 14-16 hours in a day. Most people steal the time in between some or the other way.

In the end, you don’t know what to do. Hardwork as a great virtue, has been so much ingrained in our system that you don’t know what to do. Even though I have written so much about it, I have started this particular post by saying that it is the bad thing that I don’t consider hardwork is necessarily good. Of course, there is also other point of view in calling it bad thing. It is always easy to believe what most of the other people believe and go with the flow. It is very difficult to questions these beliefs and even more difficult to follow those if they conflict with majority. It complicates life too much. Unfortunately I have got too many beliefs that do not go with the majority.

Just as I was looking out of the conference hall, there was this bunch of ducks moving around. The most fascinating thing was each one was independent, finding its own food and what it wants to do and yet as a bunch they were together and moving in the same direction. It seems like each one of them know what is their destination. None of the ducks bothered about being first or worried that it is last. They did not need any leader and there was no follower. How wonderful it would be if our organizations also worked like that; where each one of us have same destination, where we all go in the same direction, without anyone to feeling the need to control others. I don't understand, why as humans we have this enormous desire to control? Especially in organization, the desire to control also comes from mistrust. We never seem to trust each other. Almost every organization has 'trust' in some or the other form, directly or indirectly in their values, yet, I am yet to see any organization where trust is followed as value or embedded within its culture. In fact, most organizations, if you read the policies and procedures, you will discover that almost half of those are based on the assumption that employees can not be trusted. Well, less I say about man made organizations, better it is.One interesting this was, behind that bunch of ducks, there was a crow following them, walking on the ground just like them. What was the crow doing there? I guess it was also curious what those ducks were doing?